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August 2018, the last time I went #camping that is really depressing to me since I love the #outdoors and enjoy #hammockcamping a great deal, but I am so sick of doing everything I really like alone. I’ve gone on a few hikes and #hammock this or that by myself since my move to California, but none of my friends from work like camping so I’d have no one to go with at all and it’s really lame doing things you really like by yourself all the time. I’ve spent the last few birthdays camping and celebrated my 30th by camping in New Zealand. I really want to have the emotional energy to do another thing alone, but going camping alone for my birthday weekend in a few weeks? That’s so damn sad because it’s not by choice, it’d be because I don’t have friends down here #camp #camplife #outdoor #outdoorlife #getourdoors #liveoutdoors #hammocklife #hammocking #hammocklove #liveoutdoors #pnw #washington #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression

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I #painted today haven’t done that in a while. Stages of one painting. Testing a new medium: gel paint mixed as watercolor (using spray bottles) mixed with acrylic paint 🎨 #abstractart #abstract #abstractpainting #abstractpaint #paint #painting #art #artwork #becreative #becreativeandmakecoolstuff #anxiety #anxietyrelief #selfcare #hobby #hobbies

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Loungin’ and boardwalkin’ with @baggybaggerman and @malbag16 yesterday did my skin some red 😎 #santacruz #santacruzboardwalk #santacruzbeach #boardwalk #sunburn #california #pacificocean #beach

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#exploratoriumafterdark was crazy fun! Was really good for me to get out and do something that wasn’t related to or with my cousins. I avoid doing things with friends from work as it’s really my only social circle since my move. Sometimes the reason is I’m just sad and hurt that all my longtime friends and family (for the most part) don’t even talk to me let alone do things with me so I don’t want to let new people in #exploritorium #sf #sanfrancisco #bayarea #selfcare #selflove #self #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #bettertogether

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swinsland. Stage one of learning new songs: listening to a recording of myself ov

Stage one of learning new songs: listening to a recording of myself over and over again to find the exact spots of tempo/melody errors for correction 🎹 (Where’s a black mage emoji when you need one?) #vivi #finalfantasy #finalfantasyix #finalfantasy9 #nobuouematsu #videogamemusic #piano #keyboard #musicislife #musiclove #musictherapy #practicemakesperfect

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@tatmurphy went to work on the #nebula portion of my #sleeve on Friday 👊🏻 The pit isn’t the most comfortable, but it wasn’t the most painful of all my #ink 🤘🏻 #inked #inkedgirl #inkedgirls #tattooing #tattoo #tattoos #tattoosleeve #sleevetattoo #tattooed #tattooedgirls #tattooedgirl #chameleonink

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swinsland. Cactuar carabiner at work = me displaying my excitement for @tatmurphy

Cactuar carabiner at work = me displaying my excitement for @tatmurphy inking (hopefully) the rest of my sleeve next Friday. Filling in this guy, then bringing the nebula vibes around my bicep, see if we’ll need another session or not 👊🏻 #ink #inked #inkedgirl #tattoo #tattoos #tattoosleeve #tattooed #tattooedgirls #sleevetattoo #finalfantasy #ff #gamerink #gamertattoo

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I read #giraffescantdance a lot at work. Every time I get to this part I start crying. It’s what moving to California has had me feeling pretty much every day. I debate daily about putting myself through the same emotional/mental/financial trial as last year of coordinating a relocation and having to cancel (again) a childhood and adulthood dream of traveling to Antarctica to accommodate a major move. But I’m pretty sure I’m just going to ride out my lease and then move back to Washington because being here so isolated has been horrible and I’ve tried to change that for myself, but nothing has been working. #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmonth #anxiety #depression #quotes #bookquotes

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swinsland. I listen to the #interstellar soundtrack on a regular basis 🎶 Tempos

I listen to the #interstellar soundtrack on a regular basis 🎶 Tempos off, also it can be tricky/strenuous sustaining notes without a pedal so it affects the flow for me when I play on a #keyboard versus #piano #pianomusic #hanszimmer #hanszimmermusic #filmscore #interstellarmovie #musictherapy #music #musicislife #musiclove

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An actual depiction of how bad my #anxiety and #depression is since my move: I bailed on two things yesterday. Didn’t show up to a birthday party and didn’t go to this astronomy program I was REALLY stoked on going to because I didn’t have anyone to go with. And living in Washington, that wasn’t an issue for me. If someone couldn’t join me, I’d still go and do something. I really wanted to see Pixies last month, but didn’t buy tickets because I’ve already gone to two concerts alone down here and those shows were really cool and I had no one to talk to about them. I can’t independently function recreationally anymore and that really sucks. So I super hate living here. This is from a few months ago, haven’t done outdoorsy stuff since #mentalhealthmonth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #anxietyproblems #selfreflection #outdoors #outdoor

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swinsland. Jellycum. Only thing I’ve worked on artistically in months beyond pian

Jellycum. Only thing I’ve worked on artistically in months beyond piano sessions. A few months ago I considered joining this monthly mail-in art supply program to keep myself motivated to draw or paint as it’s been helping me with somewhat handling my #mentalhealth since my move, but since I’ve found my spray paint and other art supplies in the garbage at least three times (neighbors or homeowner’s doing, unsure), it pretty much blocks me from wanting to invest in something like that and I’ve stopped painting entirely and barely draw anymore #drawing #drawings #draw #inkart #inkartwork #inkdraw #inkdrawing #inkdrawings #art #artwork #prismacolor #prismamarkers #prismacolors #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #anxietyrelief

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Slug’s repeating of “Thank you for looking at us. Thank you for letting us look at you” throughout the show brought a serious emotional energy to the room 🎶 @atmosphere in #santacruz #catalystclub #atmosphere #stopwatch #tryingtofindabalance #mividaloca #sevenstravels #music #musicislife #livemusic #concert #concerts #concertlife

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swinsland. #mentalhealth is a really tricky thing to be open about. I’ve been hav

#mentalhealth is a really tricky thing to be open about. I’ve been having an especially difficult time managing my #depression #anxiety and #ptsd since moving to California and I constantly feel shame over it. I’ve always used music and writing as emotional outlets and never really did it with other art forms growing up. Since getting back into drawing and #painting in the last year, I’ve found it’s way more of an emotional experience and what comes out tends to be where my mind is at during the process of a project. I don’t tend to describe exactly what things are in #abstractart but my mind was focused on my history of #selfharm for emotional and crisis management and I think it’s pretty obvious that the piece is about dark and painful places #abstract #abstractpainting #art #spraypaintart #spraypaint #spraypainting #mentalhealthawareness #anxietyrelief #stressrelief #stress #feelings #feeling #emotions #becreative

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Scampered around the woods yesterday. Literal usage of ‘scampered’, scraped my leg up whilst hopping back and forth between rocks 🏞 #mtdiablo #mtdiablostatepark #getoutside #getout #liveoutdoors #liveoutside #outdoors #outdoorlife #liveoutdoors #california #ca

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