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nieperfekcyjni_z_wyboru. Po dłuższej nieobecności chce wam pokazać parę posiłków które dzisiaj

Po dłuższej nieobecności chce wam pokazać parę posiłków które dzisiaj jadłam , dokładniej trzy z czterech ponieważ obiadek jakoś mi umknął lecz był to kotlet z kurczaka z makaronem 😉 Na dzień dzisiejszy 2100😍 Szczerze jestem szczęśliwa tu gdzie jestem w ten chwili , w tej minucie w tej sekundzie. Mam się dobrze choć nie zawsze wszystko idzie po mojej myśli , jestem dumna z tego co mam , co dał mi los , z tego gdzie doszłam po tak długiej drodze. Akceptuję teraźniejszość, przeszłość i przyszłość która postaram się stworzyć jak najlepiej tylko potrafię. To że wiele razy poniosłam porażkę to nie znaczy że nią jestem. Miłego wieczoru 🖤❤ #anoreksjarecovery #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #edwarior #beatana #youworthit #youdeserveit #loveyourself #selflove #wygrywamzanoreksją #anorexiafighter

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zenas_recovery. Something I have been frequently reminding myself of recently. 
Someti

Something I have been frequently reminding myself of recently. Sometimes with my mental health & autism things just build up & up then become really difficult to process & just ‘deal with’. When I’m feeling this way I often shut down & turn to my old coping mechanisms - food restriction & over exercising. Which is basically my eating disorder saying ‘I’m here for you’ ‘listen to me & everything will be OK’. I don’t know why but it’s like an automatic reaction in my brain to do these things. There’s honestly nothing worse than that overwhelming feeling that anorexia brings. Awful awful awful. Although I’m not using food restriction as a coping mechanism at the moment, it’s hard. Really hard. Anorexia is strongly stigmatised that there is only a certain ‘look’, which angers & frustrates me. Often I feel as if people assume I’m somewhat ‘cured’ do to my appearance & that I now ‘eat’, which confuses & upsets me, because even though I ‘look better’ I still have the same thoughts in my head from when I was listening to the anorexia. So yeah, I may be mentally stronger & I am usually able to go against the thoughts, it’s still difficult & draining. It’s like my autism triggers off my anxiety then my anxiety triggers of my ED, so I can’t win. 🙈 Anxiety has been sky high these past few days which has been a bit of a burden on me, nothing worse than when anxiety gives you the shakes eh? Constantly reminding myself that unhelpful coping mechanisms will not ‘fix this’ unfortunately. It will make things a whole lot worse, you can cry, you can scream but never listen to that demon in you’re head because you are so much stronger than that. 💕 And also please, tell someone how you are feeling - I’m extremely guilty for hiding away & isolating myself but I’m trying really hard not to do that. 😌 I got this - you got this. ❤️

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zenas_recovery. Dinner tonight was something DIFFERENT!!!! Chicken with peppers in a f

Dinner tonight was something DIFFERENT!!!! Chicken with peppers in a fajita sauce & some rice. 🍚 Anxiety has been sky high all day 😭 I think Pixie knows as she’s been quite clingy towards me. 💕 It’s such a crap feeling too. ☹️ I had a yogurt & a biscuit for pud. ❤️

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zenas_recovery. ..... it deserves it’s own post. 
Beautiful. ❤️ #cheesecake

..... it deserves it’s own post. Beautiful. ❤️ #cheesecake

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zenas_recovery. Really couldn’t decide what to have for dinner tonight, I feel like I’

Really couldn’t decide what to have for dinner tonight, I feel like I’ve gone off a lot of foods recently, especially vegetables - which is hard to comprehend because vegetables are said to be ‘healthy’ or you are deemed as ‘unhealthy’ if you don’t eat them or don’t get you’re ‘5 a day’ bla bla blah. But that’s a load of crap, stirred up by diet culture. It’s not natural to force yourself to eat food you don’t want to, it just leaves you feeling miserable & makes you lose you’re appetite. Soooo I decided to by myself a PIZZA for dinner tonight!!!!! Omg I never buy myself pizza to have for dinner but I did it today! 🥰💪🏻 This was a chicken & bacon one from @tescofood so had half with 2 of @lindamccartneyfoods sausages. ☺️ So remember it’s OK not to have fruits & vegetables when you’re not in the mood for them! A healthy relationship with food is far more healthier than a carrot. 😉 Going to keep challenging myself to trying new meals. 💕💕💕 Also the ED is quite intense tonight because I’ve literally had so much cheesecake today 😂😭 but you know what? That’s okay. Eating what you want doesn’t make you bad/naughty/fat/need to punish yourself, it makes you HUMAN & is a big kick up the arse for anorexia. 💪🏻✌🏻 #cheesecakequeen

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zenas_recovery. -I WAS TRIGGERED THIS MORNING- (TW)❗️ This morning, I was really trigg

-I WAS TRIGGERED THIS MORNING- (TW)❗️ This morning, I was really triggered by a neighbour who commented on my appearance. She was an old lady too. She started of by saying ‘you’ve put the weight on, you’re looking so much better these days’. My heart stopped for a second. I felt so anxious & overwhelmed with what she said, she then went on to say how much I’m ‘glowing’, & then was talking about her weight, then she asked me how much I weighed. I just looked at her & said ‘no idea’, which is true. But then she looked at me up & down & trying to FUCKING GUESS MY WEIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK. I tried to just basically smile through the pain & distress she was causing & tried my best to have a proper conversation with her, which is difficult for me anyway. It got to the point where I had to stop her in her tracks, & explain my situation & history to her. I explained my anorexia to her & showed her photos that were quite distressing then went on to talk to her about how I was almost at cardiac arrest a few years ago. Fair to say, that shut her up a bit but she was still far from understanding & went on to share more triggering things & numbers which sent my brain into overdrive & anorexia loved it. I shouldn’t have to show these pictures & explain what weight I had gotten to though, it doesn’t validate anorexia & how bad it is/was. After the conversation I felt like crying, I felt so horrible & my head was everywhere & I was overanalysing everything about my recovery. Then I thought to myself - *I can either let this trigger the shit out of me & start going backwards, or I can say ‘fuck you’ & move on & forget about all the things she said* - I did the second one & went & got myself a snack, then ate a whole slice of cheesecake with lunch today like the queen I am. I know she probably didn’t mean anything by it & probably seen it as a compliment but people recovering from anorexia don’t see those kind of comments as compliments, they see it as a HUGE trigger & it could be extremely damaging to their recovery. I’m just glad that I’m in a better place with my anorexia where most of the time I can just brush off triggers & move on & forget about it. 💪🏻 💖

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zenas_recovery. Omg 🙈🙈🙈🙈 Noticed a few days ago I hit 1k & I am so freaking honour

Omg 🙈🙈🙈🙈 Noticed a few days ago I hit 1k & I am so freaking honoured. 😭 I started this account up to help me stay on track with recovery & to meet & help others who understand & are going through similar struggles to me. 😌 I never do it for followers or likes, but this is amazing!!!!!! It makes me so happy that I get so many messages saying I inspire & help you guys 😭❤️ it means so much. 💕💕💕 Thank you. xxxxxx

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zenas_recovery. Morning snacking on a @costacoffee cooler! 😋😋😋 Almost half way home

Morning snacking on a @costacoffee cooler! 😋😋😋 Almost half way home so stopped for a snack. 🥰 Sooooo goooood!

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zenas_recovery. Last day in #stonehaven today so time for one last picture at the beac

Last day in #stonehaven today so time for one last picture at the beach with Pixie. ❤️ If there’s something this holiday has taught me, it’s that I really don’t like change of routine & am very prone to noise sensitive anxiety, especially at dinner time. I need noise under control to stay well. I have accepted that my parents will never try to understand this part of my life, which is upsetting but I just have to obtain that. I am very diffident for my immediate family, which can make spending time with them difficult as they do not understand my tolerance levels or what I need to keep control of for sake of my anxiety, ASD & eating disorder. Thank god for sound proof headphones. 😳 On a positive note I have realised that it’s okay to have spontaneous food & try new things, although it might be scary it’s definitely worth it in the long run. Triggers happen. You can’t control the triggers, but you can control how you deal with them. Yes, you’re going to get people that’s obsessed with weight & diet culture & name foods as ‘good’ & ‘bad’ - but that’s their problem, not yours. Don’t listen to them. I am very glad to be going home tomorrow, & back to being able to keep noise under control a lot better. 🙈 Sensory overload has been happening quite a lot on this holiday which has been very unpleasant. 🤦🏻‍♀️ So here’s a little picture of me & @pixie_the_chi_ to round of the holiday. Not my best look but ah well. 😂🙈 She was staring at people walking past us & was about to pounce. 😧 #aspbergerssyndrome

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zenas_recovery. Ate a lolly pop today so spontaneously, as soon as I came out the shop

Ate a lolly pop today so spontaneously, as soon as I came out the shop I opened it & ate it on a walk with my mum & sister. Anorexia wanted me to ‘save it for later’ & didn’t like the fact that I was eating it in public or during a walk. But I didn’t care. I had it regardless of the thoughts in my head & enjoyed it, just like how food should be. ❤️ #winning

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zenas_recovery. Lunch today was this! 😋

Chicken Caesar is the best wrap right?
Even

Lunch today was this! 😋 Chicken Caesar is the best wrap right? Even a bonus when there’s bacon too! Was so close to getting something with less numbers but who gives a fuck about calories? So pointless counting them. 👋🏻 Felt slightly triggered this afternoon but working through it & made sure it didn’t affect my eating. 😌 Hope you’re all having a great day & remember DO NOT LET ANA PICK FOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 This is my last day on holiday today, going home tomorrow. 🥰❤️

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zenas_recovery. -ANOREXIA IS NOT YOU’RE IDENTITY-

I find this one quite difficult at

-ANOREXIA IS NOT YOU’RE IDENTITY- I find this one quite difficult at times, the anorexia convinces me that she is part of my identity, like I have to live up to the ‘role’. Being known as the ‘girl with anorexia’ - has to maintain an underweight physique. It’s all lies. 🙄 Why would I want to stay sick? It’s crap! Anyway, who cares what other people think?! I personally find it SO triggering when someone just randomly comes out ‘you’re looking well’ or ‘you’re looking healthy’ 🙃 they probably don’t mean to upset you, but yeah don’t say that to someone recovering from anorexia. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ They may look well, but high chances are their brain is still finding things difficult, especially the weight gain which you should NOT comment on EVER. Anorexia is a mental illness, there is no ‘look’. 🙅🏻‍♀️ Seeing someone you haven’t seen in a while is difficult too; worrying about what they might say/think/do is pessimistic. Over analysing absolutely every comment in you’re head is so distressing. 😥 But you have to remember, you are not anorexia. It may be you’re diagnosis but it doesn’t define you & shouldn’t impact on you’re recovery or how others see you. But like I said - it doesn’t matter what other people think or if they understand it or not. All that matters is that you do the right thing for YOU without anorexia telling you otherwise. 💪🏻👋🏻 I am not anorexia. I am Zena. 💘💘💘 #recovery

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zenas_recovery. Yummy lunch this afternoon to give me ENERGY. 💪🏻 It’s so strange how

Yummy lunch this afternoon to give me ENERGY. 💪🏻 It’s so strange how EDs make us think isn’t it? I mean calories are all you care about, for me back then I wouldn’t have cared about anything else other than what I was eating. Madness. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s the same with diet culture though, in our brains it has trained us to think that a flat stomach or abs is ‘healthy’. And natural healthy bodies are seen as ‘unhealthy’ or ‘fat’ which is preposterous. 🤦🏻‍♀️ So please, don’t be gullible enough to fall for it. It’s lies & we weren’t born with abs were we???? We were born with enough protective skin, fat & muscle to protect us & to keep us healthy. So you need to break that learned behaviour. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 It takes time but it’s worth it. ❤️

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zenas_recovery. Ok these are amazing. @grenadeofficial

Ok these are amazing. @grenadeofficial

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zenas_recovery. The pics I wasn’t gonna post.... 😂
#fail #instagramvsreality #helpme

The pics I wasn’t gonna post.... 😂 #fail #instagramvsreality #helpme #buttintheairlikeyoujustdontcare

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zenas_recovery. -LIFE BEYOND ANOREXIA-

A few years ago I had no life outside my eatin

-LIFE BEYOND ANOREXIA- A few years ago I had no life outside my eating disorder, constantly worrying about calories & compensating if I felt like I ate ‘too much’. Always having an inclination to body check & avoid socialising or anything that would disturb my routine or what time I was eating my piece of fucking bread at. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean why do we do this to ourselves? There must be something in our brain that triggers off anorexia. The anorexia is still very much a large part of my brain & I have now accepted that it’s going to stay there no matter what my weight is. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s all about feeling the anorexia & feeling uncomfortable, anxious, misunderstood & eating anyway. There isn’t a ‘right time’ to recover, sounds harsh but life waits for no one. Everyday is another day less we have to live & make the most of our lives while we’re still alive. And I’m so annoyed at myself for squandering YEARS of my life stuck in this stupid cycle of starvation & slowly killing myself. Abstaining myself from going out & having fun, like what a *normal* teenager intends to do. Instead I was exasperating over food & what I was eating. 😣 ——————————————— It’s all about trying to rewire & recuperate you’re brain & also participating in self love but I know it’s hard. It’s hard to love someone you used to hate so much & physically & mentally hurt them for no reason. It’s hard to wake up everyday & eat properly, honouring you’re hunger cues without diet culture & triggers in the way. I’m sorry to say, they will always be there. There will always be someone talking about weight loss, calories or labelling food as *good* & *bad*. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Too often I feel victimised of being vulnerable to triggers. It’s honestly the worst. 😂 I mean you could be having a good day with you’re ED & BOOM someone says their being ‘naughty’ for eating a slice of fucking cake & all hell breaks lose in you’re brain. 🤕 And the worst thing is you just have to sit there & pretend it doesn’t have an impact on you & everything is just fine. 😒 I think it’s really important that if this happens to you that you incline on telling the person how FUCKED UP THAT IS. 😂🤕 (Continued👇🏻)

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zenas_recovery. Going to ABERDEEN today!

Things seem to be a lot calmer this morning

Going to ABERDEEN today! Things seem to be a lot calmer this morning despite the family argument last night. 😌 Body image is shit but still trying to love myself. ✌🏻❤️ #justkeepgoing

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zenas_recovery. CHICKEN BURGER & CHIPS FROM THE CHIPPY!!!!!! Had this for #dinner toni

CHICKEN BURGER & CHIPS FROM THE CHIPPY!!!!!! Had this for #dinner tonight from the chippy that’s famous for creating the deep fried mars bar. 🙈 Also went to the pub this afternoon with my dad despite my ED telling my otherwise. ☺️ To be honest, I’m feeling really anxious tonight in a lot of different ways. The ED is really loud & body image is so bad. ☹️ Also my family had a bit of an argument earlier & things are still quite edgy which has really triggered things. Trying to accept that my family will never understand my mental health is hard. I mean my dad doesn’t even know where I go for appointments or how much of a big deal it was that I ate this for dinner. 🤷🏻‍♀️☹️ My autism is really hard for people to understand too, it’s been almost a year since my diagnosis & it still feels a little strange knowing that I have this condition. I went from being in so much denial to thinking ‘how the hell wasn’t this diagnosed sooner????’ It’s really important that we take care of ourselves & reassure ourselves that everything is okay, I do it constantly! Especially with weight, I used to think that if I gained any weight it made me fat & a failure, but that’s definitely not true - although it can be so convincing at times! It’s hard looking in the mirror & seeing a bigger version of yourself. But hey, it’s better than looking at, sadness, bones, sunken eyes & most of all anorexia. Because a life consumed with anorexia is never a happy one. As hard as it is, I want to LIVE. ❤️

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zenas_recovery. Recover for alcohol. 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 In the pub with my dad celebrating life

Recover for alcohol. 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 In the pub with my dad celebrating life. 💖

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zenas_recovery. Morning! ❤️
Just had a rather big 2 hour walk & I am KNACKERED but fee

Morning! ❤️ Just had a rather big 2 hour walk & I am KNACKERED but feeling good. 🥰 Stopped to get a snack, (obvs) & I felt as if I needed a bigger snack than usual. Despite my head telling me otherwise I went with what I truly wanted! 💪🏻 Hot choc, OJ & a cookie. 🥰 I’ve used up a lot of energy this morning so it’s important to have extra while exercising & using up more energy. You’re body needs it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Honestly, I was so close to just getting a hot chocolate or the orange juice but in reality is that going to satisfy my needs? No. FOOD IS FUEL. And don’t let diet culture tell you otherwise. Ps: I do NOT recommend any exercise if you are still underweight. ✋🏻 Now for the walk back. 🙃😂

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zenas_recovery. Hi everyone. ❤️
I have arrived in #stonehaven now, & feeling quite out

Hi everyone. ❤️ I have arrived in #stonehaven now, & feeling quite out of sorts. Because I’m out of my usual routine & environment my head is just everywhere. Like my brain is like ‘where are we’ ‘it’s 5 o’clock now’ ‘what/when we going to eat’ ‘what we doing at this time’ ect. But I’ve just found out I’ve one a cheesecake!!!!!!! 😂 I never win anything 😭 talk about convenience to cheer me up haha. 🙈 So excited. 😂 Hope you’re all having a lovely day. 💖💖💖

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zenas_recovery. Yessssss. 💖

Morning snack is a @costacoffee fruit berry cooler. 💚
A

Yessssss. 💖 Morning snack is a @costacoffee fruit berry cooler. 💚 And not small - MEDIUM! 💪🏻 I am going on holiday today & quite apprehensive so wish me luck, will keep you all updated. 💘

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zenas_recovery. IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD DESSERT HAVE IT NOW. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 my body is so

IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD DESSERT HAVE IT NOW. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 my body is so happy. 💖

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zenas_recovery. Here I am sitting on a changing room floor, contemplating my recovery,

Here I am sitting on a changing room floor, contemplating my recovery, my body & my intake. (I was kinda upset before I took this picture.) I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable & unhappy with how my body looked, clothes were too tight when I tried them on & I didn’t look like one of those models you see in magazines. I’ve went from clothes falling off me & everything being too big to things feeling tight on me, & sizes that have always been too big for me are now somewhat small on my body. I felt ashamed. ‘You’ll never get a boyfriend/husband/family looking like that’ ‘You’re an embarrassment’ ‘You’ve gained too much’ You eat too much food’ ‘You don’t have an ED you are just fat’ my head kept telling me. I looked at my legs, arms & rolls on my stomach ect & I believe it. I had extreme thoughts of relapse & restriction & then I actually got the wrong stuff in the supermarket then went on to experiencing sensory overload randomly all because of this voice in my head telling me I’m fat, ugly & not good enough. I felt physically sick & like crying, my thought processes were all over the place & I just couldn’t think clearly, hence why I picked up the wrong stuff in Tesco. I actually had to shout at these thoughts & tell them to fuck off. This time last year, I wasn’t eating much at all, my weight was a lot lower & did I have a better quality of life? NO. It was fucking shit. I felt so physically & mentally unwell, I was counting everything, cried everyday & basically I had enough of life. I WAS NOT HAPPY. So yes, I have a lot more fat & muscle on my body now & no I don’t look like one of them girls of love island (ugh🤦🏻‍♀️) but does that make me fat? Does that make me ugly. No it doesn’t. This body has been through a hell of a lot these past few years, & now I’m finally honouring it’s hunger cues, and I am LIVING MY LIFE. ❤️ I’ve made friends, built up more confidence, and I’m finally breaking rules. And I’m not fucking going back. This stops now. ✋🏻 I’m still feeling kinda anxious & I now have a headache 🤕 but restricting isn’t the answer & it never has been. So if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna go make my dinner. 😊

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zenas_recovery. Snackkkkkkk. Need to try more of @livias products, but this is defo my

Snackkkkkkk. Need to try more of @livias products, but this is defo my favourite so far. 🥰🥰🥰

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zenas_recovery. Little dinner pic tonight ☺️ also had some ketchup/mayo & PHILADELPHIA

Little dinner pic tonight ☺️ also had some ketchup/mayo & PHILADELPHIA (my new love😱) I’m honestly not a big cheese fan but Philadelphia is amazing! (especially with salmon). Hope you are all having a lovely evening. 😌💖

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zenas_recovery. Today’s #afternoonsnack consists of something new!! (ish) I’ve never t

Today’s #afternoonsnack consists of something new!! (ish) I’ve never tried this flavour of @livias before & I’ve been hoarding them for ages so thought I would just spontaneously try them today!!!! Snacks are honestly so important guys so please don’t deprive yourself of them! You body needs them to get you through to the next meal & if you want more that’s okay too! 💪🏻💖 Ignore diet culture. Stop compensating. And stop comparing yourself to other people’s bodies 🙅🏻‍♀️ that includes those skinny ass celebrities that claim they have the best life & brag about their diet. ✋🏻 Life is too short for that & it’s so mentally & physically dangerous, so please don’t put yourself through any of that just to ‘look’ a certain way that’s probably don’t even ‘healthy’ REALLY. 🙄 So here’s a wee selfie of me eating my snack & giving a big fuck you to anorexia. 🥰😋

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zenas_recovery. Another soup pic for lunch. 😂

It’s so warm here today, done a nice w

Another soup pic for lunch. 😂 It’s so warm here today, done a nice walk in the sun this morning but I think I’m ready for winter now. 🙈 Currently listening to some @tabs_edrecoverycoach podcasts & she is amazing!!!!! OMG she deserves a medal 🏅she is incredibly accurate & correct with what she is saying. Amazing. 👏🏻🥰 In other news, my stomach pains are a lot better today so I’m happy with that. 🥰 I’ve been drinking more water, no fizzy juice & less gluten & it seems to have helped. ❤️ Had the full tub of soup again which is normal & makes a proper meal. 🥰 Will keep me going until a snack shortly. 💪🏻

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anbnvzw. Orchidee in bloei in het Inloophuis - waar groei jij door? Wie of wat

Orchidee in bloei in het Inloophuis - waar groei jij door? Wie of wat helpt jou groeien? #growth #anbn #edwarior #edrecovery #herstel #samenopwegnaarherstel #eetstoornis #eetstoornisherstel

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zenas_recovery. Lunch! ❤️ I had 2 bowls of this soup, even though my head was convinci

Lunch! ❤️ I had 2 bowls of this soup, even though my head was convincing me that it was ‘too much’ I persevered I went with what I wanted until I felt full & satisfied. 😌 That’s NORMAL. 🔋 I’m not usually much of a soup person but this one from @asda was v good! And I think I might have soup for lunch more often, you get so many flavours & I’m so excited to try all these new foods 😂 (something I’m working on). Again, my head was like ‘you don’t need toast too’ but YES I DO. 🖕🏻 This is actually GF bread @scharglutenfreeuk & it’s really nice, especially toasted with vitalite! 🥰 Everyone in my house is very cranky today with the humid weather, so I’m just keeping my distance from all the drama. 😂🙈 Pixie keeps trying to steal everybody’s lunch too & act all cute. Typical Pixie. So this should keep me full until afternoon snack time. 🥰🥰🥰 Body image is shit. Thoughts are shit. But I’m I giving in to them? No. I’ve accepted that I won’t ever have the same relationship with food as people that have never had an eating disorder but I can beat the constant thoughts in my head. 💜

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